kitty (hisslavekitty) wrote in the_toybox,

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More on 'Fear & Loathing' (X-Posted)

i went to a demo on fear and humiliation/degradation last night. And all i can say is that i learned alot about myself.

As i watched the humiliation demo, i began to cry - but held it in. it was a relief to see someone get turned on and be willing to be spit on, yelled at, and have insecurities called out in public. When i asked her how she deals with it emotionally, she stated that sometimes she is in a confused state for a couple of days afterwards, but then it goes away. But most of the time it is cathartic - it is like, having these wounds opened and really looking at them, only to have the feeling of 'i really don't care about this anymore' afterwards. They become unimportant....which, i think is what would happen to me, if Master were to bring up things i really hate myself for in scenes.

To hear Him say all of those degrading things to bring up insecurities i feel about my body, my personality, my being - and have Him still hold me and love me all the more for them afterwards, well - that would be know that He accepts these things would help me to accept them.

And i am not talking about using this as 'therapy' to get over things about myself....this is something that turns me turns me on to be called a 'whore', or a 'bitch' be spit on - have my hair pulled, and be made to feel like i am not good enough - and to prove Him otherwise. i just have to accept that fact.

Now - about the 'fear' thing. i was sitting there watching this Dom scare his hellcat of a sub with a rather large blade. And as i was sitting there, i tried to think of something that would scare me like that...and i don't have many fears....there are definite things i DON'T LIKE....but things i am actually afraid of? Maybe snakes....and sharks....but i doubt they will be put into a scene with me. Bugs?, okay....a little creepy. But the thing i am most afraid of is doing things in front of other people....and sometimes i wonder if that is what it will take to really be broken in....on the inside. When i still fight some things that He demands, or requires from me....

The other things i am deathly afraid of is abandonment...being replaced. Knowing He would rather have another girl because she is more this or that....but how do we face these things safely? Or do we leave them alone?

Gee...still many unanswered questions....

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