kitty (hisslavekitty) wrote in the_toybox,

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X-Posted from my own LJ

i watched the television movie about Heidi Fleiss the other night and was surprised at how racy it was....they showed her topless (for about .2 of a second), and the language was pretty harsh for just being on television. Anyhow - the reason i was bringing this up was because there was a particular scene which spoke to me.

Heidi's boyfriend received a 'finders fee' from a madam for bringing her to the house. It was only $450, and her boyfriend, a bookie and a producer, was very wealthy and didn't even need the money. Heidi got angry, and was hitting him, yelling about how he 'sold' her as he argued that he didn't even need the money...then she stopped and looked at him, and told him that she was incredibly turned on.

The next scene, you see them against a raining at his home, him behind her, and he is reaching under her skirt. She tells him to talk dirty to her, and he started to call her "whore...bitch", and she gets off to his hand.

It was SUCH a relief to see that other people - even portrayed on tv - get off to this. And that it was made out to be just a normal thing. It is something i have had a difficult time accepting about myself....that i love being humiliated like that - called be dehumanized....

Maya Angelou calls them 'little murders', being called names. So what does it mean when you LIKE being called that - especially during sex? To some people, it is abuse....but to me, it is an aphrodesiac. Does this mean i feel this way about myself? i have always been so proud of the fact that i was making conscious choices in my BDSM lifestyle, but what does it mean when your body reacts so strongly - that it seems much more deep-seeded than you originally thought?

Master is extremely compassionate and kind, and would NEVER hurt me....but am i hurting myself in the long run by wanting this? Or is this just who i am, and i should accept it with the healthy attitude i have always held on to?

i guess that i have always fought this side of myself - the worrying side, and it was on my mind today.....
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